Slipped Away
by S9Starbuck
Summary: Inspired by the song by Avril Lavigne. My tribute to S3 starting soon. R & R please!


**Alright, so anyone who knows this song will have a good idea what this fic is about. Well, I hope that you guys are ready to read another sad one shot done by yours truly. I'm not sure what it is about this couple, but I just love to write about them. I've been on hiatus, and I think its about time I returned. Maybe. lol. **

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**Six Days After Incident**

_I miss you  
Miss you so bad  
I don't forget you  
Oh it's so sad _

…

She doesn't cry. She doesn't fall to her knees, or voice the cry of anguish that rises to her lips. She doesn't throw anything she can gets her hands on in an angry fit of grief. When she sees his body, she doesn't grab him and shake him wildly, like she wants to. She doesn't put her hands on his cold face, now devoid of the light that filled his features. She doesn't see his beautiful eyes any longer, they are no longer there for her to lose herself in.

What she does is sit on her bed, listening to the rain patter against the ground as she wonders how she is still alive, how the crushing pain of the loss she felt hadn't imploded her heart. Perhaps it was because she no longer had a heart, she'd lost it with him. More than one had been buried that windy day, under the trees that seemed tall enough to touch the cyan sky.

She was glad he'd been laid to rest in the country (a real burial, not an empty coffin), outside of the busy hustle of the city, where the stars were visible, and the birds could be heard. It was fitting. He had been the calm countryside in the midst of the storm that was her life. He was her enclave of perfection.

But he'd been destroyed. And immediately Sarah Walker had known that she'd been destroyed too. She'd never told him she loved him, never voiced exactly how much he meant to her. He'd died not knowing.

That was what killed her the most. The fact that he hadn't left this world, knowing that she'd loved him more than her own existence.

It's what she'll regret for the rest of her life, however short it may be.

**One Month After Incident**

_I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly.  
The day you slipped away.....  
Was the day I found  
It, won't be the same  
Oh _

…

"I love you," She whispers to the darkness, willing the clouds of heaven to part so that her voice can be heard by the man who still holds her heart. He fills her waking thoughts, and has even begun to take her dreams as well. She wishes she could escape him and the pain, and yet, at the same time, she feels she's betraying him if she doesn't hurt anymore.

So she hangs onto the pain, keeping it close to her heart, holding onto it as one might hold a fragile child. She tries to fight the tears, the stubborn side of her refusing to let herself show the anguish she feels constantly. She wonders sometimes, if he'd feel betrayed by her determination not to weep. She decides that he'd be okay with her holding onto some of her dignity. She'd been so destroyed by him, by his death, that she has to hang onto whatever pride in life there was left.

She bites the inside of her cheek, lying down on her bed. The days have blended together, forming a blur of haze, in which she can hardly make any sense out of. Sometimes, she even wakes up and thinks she's back in Washington, or Burbank. Then she realizes, she hasn't been in either places in over a month.

Only a month? She wonders. It fills like an eternity to her. Every day without him passes by agonizingly slow, every minute a needle in her skin. She doesn't know how she'll ever get past this pain that infects her like a cancer, spreading through her body, taking her life with beat of her heart, numbering her days.

She guesses that she'll never recover. And she wonders if she even wants to lose this connection to him, no matter how detrimental to her it is. She doesn't know if its selfish, or masochistic of her.

When she sleeps she sees sunny days, filled with smiles and laughs as they used to bask in the presence of one another. Sometimes, she has nightmares instead, reliving the horror of seeing his lifeless body. She'd visited the morgue, and she'd never forget the smell of the place. Sterile. Clean.

There's nothing clean about death.

There'd been a huge hole in his lower abdomen. The wound has been cleaned, but Sarah could still see the sickening reality of what had been done to him. She'd dodged bullets countless times, some only because he'd been helping her. She never _truly _realized what one of the bullets could do to them. With him, she'd always felt untouchable. She'd always thought of him that way too.

Seeing his body, she realized that the hole in her chest wasn't as physical, but it was just as damaging as the hole in his.

**Six Months After Incident **

_I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't. Oh.  
I hope you can hear me  
Cause I remember it clearly _

…

"What's wrong with you?" Her director asks, his brow furrowed. "You've spiraled out of control."

Sarah could have slapped him right there. His ignorance of her pain filled her with anger. Didn't anyone care about her enough to see she was drowning in her pain? Did anyone care at all?

No. Only _he_ cared about _you_.

"I'm just having a rough time," She replies, her throat dry. She feels as if she hasn't spoken in forever.

"You're not even speaking to the people we assign to you."

"What's there to say?"

"You don't even _try _anymore."

"I simply won't have a repeat of what happened. I would think the agency would be satisfied with this."

"We're not satisfied with our best agent slowly killing herself. You're shutting out the world."

"There's nothing I want to see,"

"You're _killing _yourself, Walker."

_I'm already dead. _She stares at him coldly, her façade cracking just a little and a bit of the pain she feels shows on her features. She stands and steps over to the window, biting her cheek to hold back hot tears.

"Do you need more time?" Her director asks behind her, still sitting at his desk.

Sarah swallows hard, not trusting her voice. After a moment, she's finally able to say with a bitter twinge, "Time to do what?"

She can feel her director's eyes boring into her back. "Time to grieve, Sarah."

She nods, again losing her voice to the tears that fill her eyes. She takes longer to answer this time, slowly breathing in and out to steady her heart. "Yes, Sir. I think I do."

"Then I'm giving you leave. However much you need." Sarah nods and starts to head for the door. "But Walker, you're an American CIA agent. You've known all along the chances of this happening. I would suggest you cope soon, or my superiors are going to be breathing down my neck."

Sarah understands the message: You're a big girl. Get over it.

"Yes, Sir." She replies, and leaves the office. Maybe some time off would be good for her.

But where would she go?

She didn't know, but she's start with his grave. She'd return to where she left her heart.

And probably most of her soul.

**Two Years After Incident**

_I've had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why.  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake it  
It happened you passed by _

…

"I love you," She whispers before closing her eyes to sleep. It's a habit now, something she does without thought. But it still means everything to her. It's a reminder of what she failed to do when she had the chance. And now, two years since he left her alone on this earth, she finds herself crying. She no longer fights the tears; she has no pride left.

She'd been released from the CIA because of her depression. She was a burn out. Just another "honorable" release. Everyone knew the CIA didn't release you unless you'd burned out. All they did was take and take, and then throw out the useless scraps.

Useless scrap.

That was her. She had no doubt.

God, how she missed him. How she still needed him. Her heart ached for him, for the man who completed her, the one who had never doubted her. He'd believed in her. No one believed in her anymore, not even Sarah herself.

She just wanted this to end. But she found she couldn't take the sleeping pills that filled her hand, she couldn't pull the trigger that her trembling finger twitched against. All because of one promise she'd made foolishly.

"_Promise me one thing, that you'll always take care of yourself. Don't let any harm come to you. If you were to be hurt, or God forbid…killed…I…I just can't stand the thought. Please promise me you'll always do your best to make sure you're safe?" _

He had spoken those words so quietly, so vulnerable. She'd been laying against his bare chest, listening to his strong heartbeat. His hand had been caressing her back gently, still managing to give her goosebumps even after all this time.

She'd stupidly agreed. She hadn't ever thought he'd be gone. She hadn't ever thought about how she'd feel, knowing he was gone forever.

She just wants this all to end. She doesn't know what to do to fill the empty void in her heart. Nothing she tries, no hobbies, no jobs, no people, can make her feel alive again. She even chances a call to an old assignment of hers, who she used to be extremely close to and he doesn't even bother to answer her many calls.

She feels betrayed.

She feels lost.

She feels dead.

Dead.

She'd never realized the full meaning of the word until now. Sometimes, a person could even be alive and still be dead. She was the perfect example.

She cries again as she washes the dishes in her small house, hidden in a wooded area outside a small town in Texas. She'd moved here because of something he'd said once. They'd passed through this area, and they'd eaten at a diner in the small downtown. He'd loved it. They'd stayed at this very house she was in. They'd washed dishes together at this very sink.

Yes, she was masochistic. But she felt as if her connection to him was finally starting to dwindle away and she wouldn't allow that. Here, in this small house, in these green woods…she felt him with her. She smelled him, she heard his laugh, she saw his smile.

Even if it killed her to feel it, she'd rather feel it than not.

Maybe this was the real meaning of Hell.

**Four Years After Incident**

_Na na  
Na na na na na  
I miss you. _

…

"Why do dogs like to chase their tails?" The little boy asked her, looking up at her with his ice blue eyes.

Sarah laughed. She found that her laugh had been coming more easily everyday since she'd taken in this little boy. She was working on adopting him, hoping to secure him a place in her home. He'd already secured a place in her heart.

"I don't know, you'll have to ask God one day." Sarah wrapped her arms around his slender body as she squatted beside him. The German Sheppard puppy she'd bought for him was chasing his tail excitedly. He was a bundle of energy, just like the boy Sarah had come to consider her son.

"Rocky!" Bailey yelled as the puppy started to wander off. The dog perked his ears at hearing his name, and Bailey grabbed the dog up in his arms. Sarah laughed at the way Bailey had to hang onto the dog, who was almost too big for him to hold.

"Ready to feed him?"

"Can I eat with him?" The little boy asked, brushing some brown curls out of his eyes.

Sarah pondered this a moment, then finally nodded. "Yes, as long as you remember to keep your plate away from him."

It never worked, Rocky always ate some of Bailey's food, but Sarah didn't have the heart to tell the little boy no. She'd picked him not only because he reminded her of her lost love, but because she felt a tug at her heart when she saw him for the first time. His blue eyes were penetrating, and his brown hair curled if Sarah let it grow out too long. His smile was devastating if used correctly, and his laugh was infectious.

He reminded her so much of the one she lost. Few had seen him in his true self, she'd been the one person to really know him.

"Let's go inside, I'll make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Sarah said, standing.

"No jelly!" Bailey quickly corrected. Sarah laughed.

"Of course, how could I forget you don't like jelly."

Again, she swallowed hard. _He _hadn't liked jelly either. Bailey smiled, and Sarah grinned. "Let's go, tiger."

All three of them, Sarah, Bailey, and Rocky, entered the house. The leaves, turned brown by the fall, fell around the house, the orange sun set behind the tall trees, and the wind blew gently. Sarah took one last look at the woods around, taking a moment to think of the man she loved all this time, even death didn't change her love.

Bryce Larkin was the greatest man she'd ever known.

Sarah smiled, closing the door with a gentle click.

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**Okay, so honestly...were you expecting that? Lol. **


End file.
